Yawn

Today is my last day in the office..

I am currently sitting at my soon-to-be former workstation,

and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

I got in early today, as my superior will not be around after lunch. So I follow her suit, coming in early and will be leaving by noon.

I arrived, switched on the computer, and stared.

By the 3rd minute, my eyes started to glaze.

I have nothing to do. Am just obligated to be around to finish my designated working duration.

I have finished all my projects, Alhamdulillah. I have handed over all the necessary things.
I have even cleaned up the piles of paper on my table and sort out those that need to be shredded and disposed.

I have read today's news, and followed my favourite blogs.
I have checked and re-checked my e-mails.
I have gone for an elaborate breakfast.
And accompanied another person for her breakfast.

I have walked around the department, and the Finance Department, and to the Golfer's Terrace to pick up an orange juice.

I have stopped by other people's workstations, which I don't want to do much because, well, they have work to do..

And 1p.m. is aeons away...

Ibu Ketam

Another first for me:
My belly button is senget!

It was about 2 inches more to the right.
hahaha.

I didn't notice it at first, until one night when I was rubbing my tummy I suddenly focused on my belly button and gasped.. it was no longer in the middle!

Then I laughed disbelievingly... I turned to my husband,
"B, look. My belly button is senget! My center of gravity dah lari. I bet I'll be walking like a crab lepas ni,"

He looked shocked, and a bit freaked out.
It had him Googling for answer.
haha.

He was relieved to discover that it is normal after all. Something to do with baby's position in the womb...

And last night I checked it's almost back to the middle once again.
So I'm not about to turn into a mother crab any time soon...
I'm just crabby once in a while..
;)

How Life Can Be Uneventful For A Minute...

... and suddenly you are in for a surprise!

I had just returned to my workstation last Tuesday afternoon, after performing my Zohor prayers, and was about to continue my draft on the recent SOP document...

Then my phone rang.. I looked at the caller ID, and it was my mom. In my mind, I figured she must be looking for Dania's bottle teats, because I had begun replacing her teats with drinking spout, to train her to stop drinking milk from the bottle, or at least, using teats and start using spouts or cups... She was quite reluctant and there are times when we would change back to the teats because she refused her milk...

Anywayy, I answered, ready to tell my mom the teats were in a container by her milk dispenser, when my mother's panicky voice stopped me,

"Ayu... anak kamu ni ha... dia sumbat manik dalam hidung dia..."

"HAHHH???!" - this was me. And this particular HAH was so loud and exaggerated (I was THAT shocked) that it seemed like everyone and everything in the office came to a screeching halt and turned to look at me in bewilderment.

So she told me she was in the bathroom to take ablution when suddenly Dania knocked on the door and said there was a 'diamond' in her nose. Then she tried to take it out but it was wedged in too far into the cavity (I'm guessing my little girl tried to take it out but by inserting her finger she only managed to push it back further), and my mother tried calling my brother who was working at the ER but there was no answer...
During this time I was feverishly saving and exiting all my documents and shutting down the PC and packing my bag.. I told the Asst. Manager that I have an emergency and am going home (She figured that out already by my "HAH"... and the whole department heard my "manik dalam hidung??" excalamation so no explanation necessary).

So I left the office and called my husband and he produced his own "HAHHH??!!" and we agreed to meet at home.
I have never driven so fast in my entire life...
Anyone who had ever ridden in a car with me would have said I'm a slow driver. But this time around, I arrived home within 10 minutes of my mother's phone call.. And that's from Saujana to Klang. Quite impressive for me, I think. haha.  I was quite hysterical in the car, mostly because I was fervently praying that the bead won't disrupt her breathing and because I was laughing and shaking my head... Like, seriously, BEADS? in the NOSE?

Kakak kat ofis sempat tanya before I left, "Macam mana Dania boleh kreatif sangat ni?"
I have no idea.
hehe.

And this incident also brought back memories of my own childhood, when my brothers and I were embarking on our own 'mis'adventures as well. There was the time when my brother's head were stuck between the grilles of our gate, because we were too lazy to open the latch and decided to just go through in between.. and the time when I swallowed chewing gum just to see what would happen and why they told us not to do so (Nothing happened so this remained a secret until now). And the time when we made a 'kite' out of tali rafia and cardboard box (Yeah we were that bright, I wonder if my mom ever worry about our future at all), and since the kite won't fly we made our younger brother ride on the bike and hold the kite and go fast, and he fell and broke his arm... and.. yeah you get the picture.. I may not comprehend why my daughter would want to stuff beads into her nose but I understood her curiosity as a child..

So I arrived home, felt quite proud when my mother asked in surprise, "Eh dah sampai? cepatnya!"
But that was short-lived because a minute later my husband arrived, and his office is in Mid Valley City and that is even farther, and he must have driven a LOT faster.. haish, I can't win!

Right.. where was I? Oh yes, by that time I had gone upstairs to see my daughter who, in distress, fell asleep.. I grabbed a torch light and looked into her nasal cavity and lo and behold - a blue bead stashed up in her nose.. I remembered the bead - it was from her costume jewelry that broke, and I remember picking the beads up and throwing them away when they went scattering all over the place... I guess I somehow missed one and it got loose until the day Dania found it and shoved it up her nose...

Then my mom dropped another bombshell, Dania confessed to another bead before the blue one, a yellow bead that is even further up than the blue.. aiyoh ini budak kan!!!

So we wasted no time gathering her up and driving straight to SDMC emergency.. She was awake by that time and I spent the whole journey telling her to let the Doctor take a look and help her and she was very compliant (I guess it freaked her out, too, that the bead got stuck.. She rarely sees Doctors and when she has to has been quite difficult). So I had to prep her up and told her that she needs to see one now, and after the bead(s) is/are removed, we could go get some ice cream.

We arrived at the ER, and registered and all that, and soon were in the Resus Room for operation-bead-removal.. Dania had been superb so far, letting them all touch her and all that.. And they had her bundled in a blanket (I guess to get all those arms and legs out of the way), and three nurses were placed strategically to hold her head, shoulders and body, and the rest of the ER nurses who were not busy were circling the bed to watch (I'm guessing this is one rare case.. hehehe.. segan I nak cakap "Anak you sakit apa?" "Anak I ada manik dalam hidung dia"... hai budak bertuah!). And the Doctor used a tweezer to pull it out. I bet it hurts. It must have hurt. That was when she started crying. I was smiling and tearing up a bit. Kesian... Tapi ha rasa dan ingatlah sakit tu ok! lepas ni fikir 56 kali before you decide to lodge a bead or anything up your nose!.. She bled a little, because the bead is not smooth and have small ridges forming a little diamond shape - hence the bleeding.. Lagi kesian... Then the Doctor proceeded looking for the smaller, yellow bead, but could not find it..

Taktau nak trust a 3-year-old's words or not, but since she said ada yellow one, better to be safe than sorry, so we had to do an X-ray to see, in case the bead is way inside the cavity ke apa. And in case ada, then she needs to be admitted and put under GA for a minor surgery to remove it... By this time I was worried already, yelah foreign object kan, can cause a lot of things - infection, fever, flu, etc.. But the x-ray showed nothing.. No foreign objects, and was even reviewed by a specialist. So it's either the yellow bead never existed, or according to Dania, it already went down her throat... So we got home with the assignment of watching out in case she got the flu (one sign there MIGHT be something in there), and watching her stool in case she really did swallow the bead.

And now it's been a week and none of those ever occurred (And I didn't really watch her stool closely, because, well, I cannot stand the sight in my condition.. hehheehheh..) But by the looks of it she is fine, and I hope, a lot wiser..

It has indeed been an adventure, and it's part and parcel of having a child.. memang macam-macam diorang ni! The best way to face parenthood, in my opinion, is to be armed with an open mind, and a sense of humour as well, because kids really say, and do, the funniest thing...

But I must say ada jugak la yang cakap benda yang tak best (Why do these people exist EVERYWHERE?).. I got the "HAH tu la siapa suruh bagi anak main manik?" "Tak tengok betul-betul ke budak tu?" .. and not just about this situation.. I have heard people commenting "Hish tengok budak tu, tak reti duduk diam ke nak lari-lari jerit-jerit dalam restoran, mengacau orang saja!" "Mak dia tak reti ajar ke?"....

And to all these, I can only say, "GET your own child first" - sebab most of these statements keluar dari mulut orang yang tak ada anak pun, lagi pelik yang belum kahwin pun... A child is a human. With own thoughts and wants and curiosity... WE, as parents, memang ajar diorang.. hari-hari ajar, hari-hari doa, hari-hari buat yang terbaik.. But they have their own will too. That's how they grow up, and learn. Please do not forget - we were like that once, too. You boleh cakap "Jangan lari-lari, please sit down." They will follow you - for two minutes.. And there are times when they are perfect angels, sitting down throughout the whole meal and even attempting to eat the broccoli or whatever.. but.. They are living things. Not pets that you can stuff into carriers and let leave them with a litterbox and a bowl of water. And another thing - "I am a MOTHER. Not a surveillance camera. And I am not God". I cannot determine if my child will not stuff things into her nose. I cannot stop from things happening.. And I cannot sit down and watch her every move like a hawk. This is an experience for me as well. I don't understand this culture of 'menghukum' orang. So your child tak pernah sumbat manik dalam hidung atau lari-lari dalam restoran. Instead of criticising other people's kids, you should count your blessings and be done with it...

And really, la, ada ke mak yang bagi manik kat anak dia, before going off to work and pesan, "Nah, take this bead.. Masukkan dalam hidung okay! I'll wait for the call!!" .... and drove off..

Ridiculous.

Aik, kenapa post ni macam emotional pulak? hehhe..

Of Woes (Partly)

I have an issue. (Several, actually).
I cannot sleep.

For a person who literally conked out each time she puts her head on the pillow, that is such a big deal.
Because I honestly have trouble sleeping nowadays.
I'd be blinking and staring and sighing and rolling and tossing and turning.. and before you know it, it's been three hours.

I read somewhere that it's part and parcel of pregnancy, especially towards the end. But this is the first time for me. My first pregnancy went smoothly, and I managed to sleep soundly every night until we brought Dania home and she decided that sleeping at night was so outdated. *sigh*

No, I am not complaining. I know how much good things have been going on for me, and I am so grateful for everything, and for this experience to be carrying another child, but let's be honest : Sleep is very important..

And come daytime there is no getting any of those until.. well, until bedtime. And when I haven't had enough sleep during the night, I'd be cranky like a kid. And I am carrying a kid. huhu.
Even my husband had trouble sleeping, what with my loud sighs and my constant tossing and turning looking for the right position. Pillows don't help. Elevated, flat on my back, on my side, yeah I've tried them all, but there were nights that nothing work. The only good thing about these nights were that by the next night I'd be totally exhausted from lack of sleep that I then managed to have some good, deep slumber..

I just hope the baby is not somewhat affected by this mama's troubles.

And I'm still vomiting, in fact, it seems to be making a comeback. Another third trimester issue, perhaps? Last Saturday we saw Dr. Siti and I asked her, and she said, "It happens, sometimes. Just make sure you are eating well,". I'll try my best but the thing is, sometimes you don't feel like eating anymore after you have emptied the contents of your stomach. But anything for the baby, kan. As long as the baby's okay, and healthy, and progressing well, that is all I ask for. I would gladly (albeit somewhat crankily) go through all these as long as Dania's little sibling is okay. 

Otherwise, things are going okay, and I have two more weeks of work to go before my last day. Though I enjoyed the opportunity and feel that I have gained a lot of benefit from it, I must confess that I look forward to a long break.. As the pregnancy progress and I get bigger and heavier, I find myself getting tired a lot more easily. On days that I have to work are the worst, maybe because I push myself more and rush to get things at home and the office done, that those are the days when I tend to feel the Braxton-Hicks more.. Yup, I feel them now. Comparing to my first pregnancy (Yeah I guess we tend to compare subsequent pregnancies to earlier experiences.. bear with me.. hihiih), dulu I blur habis tak rasa apa-apa pun sampaila they induced me. This time around, I'd be like, "OOOHH there it is! eh tak cepat sangat ke I still have around 2+ months to go!".. So we checked with Dr. Siti she said it's fine just be careful if it becomes painful.. none of those yet, and hopefully nothing until the right time, Amin. The contractions are sometimes quite long, not painful, it just feels funny and somewhat.. ticklish?? I don't know to describe them. But anyway, I look forward to staying at home and get things ready - because I have a looot to do, like clearing some space for the new baby and recycling items and sorting Dania's things and my things and.. the most important of all - SHOPPING.

That I quite look forward to.

This time around, though, I'm sure there are not many things we would get, because some of Dania's baby things are still in good condition, and we already have the basic necessities like stroller, baby cot and all that. Most of Dania's newborn clothes are also of neutral colours so they can be used for a baby boy or girl. I'm still going to get some new things, though, kesian la second baby takkan semua hand-me-downs kan...

Believe it or not, these are all secondary in my thoughts (Husband would probably say - "Shopping?? SECONDARY?? Yeee keeee").

I am more worried about other things.
And the top of the list is this : LABOUR.

I must confess that I am really praying, hoping and wishing, that this time around I could have a normal delivery..
I'm sure those who have had a C-Section before, would understand the feeling. It is different. No matter if C-Sections means your body is being cut open and is a major surgery, it is different.
And it's not helping when we have some commenting things like "Eh kena C-Section? kenapa? you tak kuat push eh? tak tahan sakit eh?".
Jahat betul.
Yes I know. It is not our discretion. However the baby comes out, it has been predetermined. Allah tentukan segalanya, janji kita sihat, selamat. But really, some people are thoughtless, and the way they said it, macamla kita yang tentukan macam mana qada' and qadar kita. And that contributed to a somewhat baby blues post partum experience.
Because when we envisioned labour, especially the first time, we all want it to be in a certain way. People do it everyday. Our ancestors did it with less medical help.. Cats did it in the bushes, for goodness' sakes! So we could do it! It is painful, of course, but the outcome is : All mothers do it.
And when things were out of your control and you were slapped in the face with an emergency c-section, you cannot help but feel - well - in lack of better word, INADEQUATE.
But I got over it now. I had a healthy beautiful little girl, we are both healthy and well, and that is all there is to it.. and I am sooo grateful and thankful for this rezeki that it surpass the mode of her exit from my womb into the world.

But this time around, I had another chance. Well, I hope I have another chance, because my doctor will have my pelvic bones checked out at 36 weeks. She said the last labour progressed so slowly maybe due to narrow pelvis, so might as well check that out and if it indeed is narrow, she would not have me 'suffer' as I did the last time and proceed just to have another C-Section.

Oh Allah, please, please, pleaaaaassee let me not be narrow!

Because I would love to have a VBAC, and I told Dr. Siti just so.
Maybe worrying about all these turns me into an insomniac.

Whatever it is, I only pray for the best, and so that we will all be safe and sound, and healthy, insyaAllah.
Do pray for me as well.

And by writing this down I hope it would lessen the burden of carrying these woes (konon, orang lain punya masalah lagi berat ini pun nak kecoh.. hehehe), and I could actually have my all-important good night sleep back again.

A Lesson

We were all in an uproar a few days ago about the video circulated over FB and other means.

It even made the news.

I myselfy was deeply disturbed by it, and regretted watching it by mistake after only a few seconds.

How could anyone do that to a child?
How could a mother?
Yes, we all questioned, didn't we?

But what I find even disturbing, was our responses.
Or, at least, some of the responses I read.

Yes, we were angry. We were all in disbelief. We want justice. For the little girl. For all children who have been treated that way.
There is absolutely no excuse to do that to anyone, especially those who depend on us, who turn to us, for everything.
But how did we react?

By saying things like : "That lady ought to be shot!" "Kalau aku dapat perempuan tu aku pijak-pijak muka dia!" "Memang nak kena lempang lah!"
Are among the things we said.
But then I realised - we said all these - so what makes us any different - or any better - than her?
She turn to her child in violence. And we retaliated with violence also. Aren't we the same?

I am not condoning what she did. It was WRONG. Full stop. But it is not our place to punish her.
She is now serving for what she did. Bloodthirsty that we are, it is not enough. 18 months in jail je?
Because we forgot. We are not in charged. I'd say in this case, there is nothing to worry about. Justice is served, and justice WILL BE served, in the hereafter.

Because we have FAITH. All that we do and all that we say is being recorded. And just waiting for playback, and payback, in the hereafter. That is her on her part. 

And on our parts, I'd say, let us pray that she will find the right way and to correct herself. Allah Maha Pengampun, jadi siapalah kita kan? 
And the truth is, we simply don't know. She might be in a difficult situation. Where is her husband? Does she even have one? We don't know. I ada terbaca lagi statement best "Tu lah jadi bohsia lagi, dah perangai memang sampai bila-bila macam bohsia".
Astaghfirullahalazim.
What makes us feel so better and above her to be saying such things?

Yes, we did not do that to our child. But are we so sure we are faultless? It is simply unacceptable. Jangan bencikan seseorang, cuma bencikan perbuatan seseorang itu. Kita tak ada hak nak benci siapa-siapa, sebab hakikatnya kita semua sama, semua manusia.

This is a lesson. What we viewed, in a way, is a lesson. Not only for the woman in the video.
It is for us all. A reminder, to always remember what is right and what is wrong. To always be in faith, to always have patience and to always remember Allah.
And also a reminder, that abuse is not only  in physical violence.
Negligence is abuse.
Irresponsibility is abuse.
Witholding your child's rights is also abuse.
Because ALL children have rights. The rights to be loved, to be taken care of, to be taught, to be fed, to be given attention, to live, to have guidance, to be treated well.
To be loved by all, and to not be mistreated at all times.
So we did not resort to beating our child senseless for four whole minutes.
But are we sure that we did not, intentionally or not, mistreat them in any other way?
Until we are so sure that we are completely guilt-free, I don't think anyone should say such bad things about the mother. Yes, she did wrong. And I abhorred her behaviour. But I don't agree to all the verbal backlashing that she received. 

I'd say, jangan terlalu warnakan kesalahan orang, bila kita sendiri belum tentu tidak punyai kesalahan.
I'd say, take this video as a reminder for us all.
I cried for that little girl. I pray in my heart that she is well taken care of now.
And I cried for my own child, and I pray that I have given her all that she deserved and I pray that I will always work to remember and exercise what is fully her rights.

Semoga semua anak-anak kita dilindungi dari syaitan yang direjam, orang-orang yang zalim, kesusahan dan dari perbuatan keji dan terkutuk. Amin.

Four Months In A Summary

Back in the studying days, I detested summaries. Still do, in fact, if there are any occassion that requires me to summarise for some reason..
Summaries gave me boundaries.. There is word limit. I cannot ramble on and on, for goodness' sake. It's maddening.. I had to literally draw a table with small, 150 squares just so I could fit one word into each box and make sure I did not exceed the boxes that I have. It was ridiculous...

And now I am attempting to summarise my four months' worth of stories into a post... I bet you even right now I am failing miserably at the 150-word limit..

A lot had happened in these past four months, that everything was just a whirl of colourful memories.. We have all been fully occupied, and a lot of updates can be shared here. Just because.

In terms of family members, all is doing well, Alhamdulillah. Little brother got married last March, and the reception at both places went well. For the solemnization we went to Kota Baru for the weekend and it was a great experience, though I suffered from bad flu and wheezing and was coughing and sneezing all the way through the ceremony. hehe. Even the reception at our house went well, so that also serves as a reason for my being away from updating my blog most of the time. Been busy helping with the wedding preparation, or, at least commenting on most of the preparations made.. hehehee..
Elder brother is now back in Malaysia for good, after 6 years being abroad. I'm glad we made the trip to visit him last year or else there would be no reason for me to ever go to Switzerland at all. Alhamdulillah, rezeki. He is all settled in his new place in KL and began his new employment as well. I'm sure my mother is the gladdest person of all, because her almost 'empty nest' is once again full, with her children and all grandchildren near to her.

As for health, all is well, too, Alhamdulillah, though  I must say that I have been unwell quite a number of times these past few months. I rarely get sick. If I do, I usually bounce back pretty quickly. But this time around, what with the pregnancy and all, I am more prone to being under the weather most of the time. My morning sickness were/is bad. Back when I was carrying Dania, I got over sickness by the 14th week. This time around, I am still throwing up at now 26th week, though not as constant as during the first trimester. I feel nauseous ALL the time, especially if I am too hungry or too full. It was so bad that I lost around 5kgs up until my 20th week, and the doctor was very much concerned. Luckily at the last checkup (24weeks) I managed to gain 1kg so hopefully that will progress much better. Alhamdulillah, though, the baby's doing fine and is growing well. And to date, I have been to the emergency room three times - 1 for bleeding in the first trimester, 1 for apparently being infected with Influenza B (The WORST cold I had ever experienced in my entire life, plus morning sickness - hence the loss of 5kgs) and another time, at four in the morning for difficulty in breathing which led me to hyperventilate. hehe.. I have never hyperventilated in my entire life, so that was a first. Even the nurse at the ER said to me, "Madam, please calm down. You are going to hyperventilate again," hee.. how can I calm down when the nose is sooo blocked I cannot even swallow properly??? Then I learnt the breathing through the plastic bag trick so there was no need for another trip to ER whenever I am about to hyperventilate again - and this happened quite a number of times, too. I read on the Internet and apparently pregnant women are prone to this at times.

As for Office / House Work, all is good, too. I am feeling so blessed, Alhamdulillah. Back in October I thought I would be going to the office only until December. But my contract has been renewed and now in May, I am still given the opportunity to learn and write, so it has been a blessing. This month is my final month, though, and it has been such an adventure. I have finished my JD project back in March, and I thought that was my final month, but they offered me another project, to write up their SOPs, which I have done before back then when I was a full-time employer, and I gladly accepted the offer. The arrangement's the same - 3 days a week, 4 hours each day, so it was a perfect opportunity for me. I get to go to the office after 10.30 (after Dania is bathed and fed and settled down for the morning), and learn and write procedures and go back by 5 (before the traffic jam begins). Praise be to Allah, for this is all from Him. I am lucky that I get to experience the best of both worlds - to be with my daughter and an at home mom, and also to gain some experience in the corporate world. It will all end soon, though, and I am a bit nervous because no more extra income for me, but then I remembered - I have done this before - being a full time SAHM, and it was a blessing and it comes with its own rezeki as well, and I feel a lot better. Besides, soon my little baby will arrive so more to enjoy and more to learn!

Things at home has been a bit haywire, because I tend to get tired easily so there are times when the laundry basket almost reached the ceiling (wait, that's ALL the time) ehehee.. and there are times when husband had to bring take out food to home.. and there are times when all I ever manage to accomplish was switch on the TV so Dania could watch it and I crashed next to her.. Seriously, I salute ALL working mothers who had to take care of household matters and go to the office and come back home and continue work and breastfeed their babies in a day, and continue the same routine tomorrow. Because here I am, in my 3-working day routine, I wake up and dressed my daughter and we have breakfast then I got ready and drive to work and by the time I reached my workstation, I was already out of breath and feeling sleepy. So I needed a few minutes to settle myself and start working and then get home, see Dania and wind down for the day and by 9.30 I was practically snoring. haish... Luckily my mom helps out a lot - there are times when I got back and Dania is already bathed and fed, Alhamdulillah. And husband's forever on the night milk shift. hehehe. And he is even lovely enough to help with the bottle washing in the morning before he left for work. Thank you all, soo much... On days that I do not have to work, things are more relaxed, so I get more things done, but I also need to rest in between because I get tired easily too. After hanging the laundry, I had to sit down. After bathing Dania and combed her hair, I had to sit down. After cooking (I rarely cook now.. heehehe), I had to sit down. I even had to sit down after eating! heehehehe.. Yes, to the akak with the 4.5 kids - I tabik spring sama you!

All in all, these four months has been super full with activities and events, all wonderful, eye-opening and challenging in it's own ways. Don't get me wrong , I still suffer from my occassional freakouts and rants - as proven in my posts - but I am sure this would all teach me to be a better person, InsyaAllah.

And as far as this summary goes, I failed my word limit by the third paragraph, and also would be marked as "too long winded" with a big fat "F" on the top!

Then and Now

Well here I am again, in another sleepless night, which seems to happen a lot lately, and it suddenly occurred to me that, yes, I have a blog, and yes, I have not been writing for quite a while...

And rather than staring at the ceiling and thinking some random thoughts, I decided to get up and start writing. So here I am and wow, new template and all, everything is hardly recognisable...

It's not that I have been entirely disconnected from the blogging world, I have been around, reading other people's blogs, which is a great pleasure. It's the task of updating my own blog that I have been neglecting, for, say, around 4+ months now. I do not have a particular reason, I just don't feel like it. hehe.

Anyway, what is it that I want to talk about this time? No, I am not here to suddenly burst in a rant after some months of silence on no particular reason like the last time..

It's just that it dawned on me that here I am, currently on this amazing journey, but I have done nothing to actually attempt to record it. As like my first pregnancy, I did not have a blog, so my experiences then were just patchworks of distant memories, which I sometimes recall fondly. And now I have this means to put some things into words, and I have been missing around 26weeks of cataloguing or documenting.

Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk.

So let's make it all up recalling my first experience and comparing to this second one.

To sum it all up : Back then, I had NO idea.

I had no idea on a lot of things. Like labour, for instance. And the true extent of really what having a child means.
I was in this land of fluffy clouds, enjoying being pregnant and thought everything was rosy and fun and pink and beautiful until I landed smack on my behind two days after discharging from the hospital, with a wailing newborn, cracked and bleeding, and sleep deprived, and having absolutely no idea what to do...
Such cold water to the face.
Did you honestly think that babies sleep like you did, Faraha? Yes, I honestly thought that. Or maybe I refused to think otherwise. hehe.

Don't get me wrong. Motherhood is wonderful. It is a privilege to experience it, and I am most humbled and grateful. And I would love to go through all that over and over again, if Allah wills it. But the first-time me back then had a lot to learn. Still learning, in fact, and I bet more lessons are on the way.

Back then I was different. Yeah, being the first pregnancy and all that, you were pampered in no other way comparable to the next pregnancies. Bleeding in first trimester? You stop driving. All the way until your baby is born and you are past your confinement. Craving for something? You voice it out immediately and with a blink of an eye (and a trip to the designated place where such craving is located), your cravings are satiated. Tired? You go on up and lie down and rest, okay! Vomiting like crazy? It's okay, hubby's here to rub your back and help you clean up and rub your back some more.

Oh yes, today I am looking at my past-first-pregnancy self and say, "Mengada betul!"... and as such is true, I absolutely had no idea. I thought those were the only trials of pregnancy and childbirth. And I enjoyed those moments. And I wish for all first-timers to enjoy that, too.

Because today, is another different story. No don't you worry. It's not horrifying, it is still wonderful, still magical and still among the best experiences in life. Only this time around, your my feet are somewhat more firmly rooted to the ground. Bleeding? 1 week bed rest, and.. what? no more blood? Okay get those car keys because you need to go to the market/office/someone's house/etc. and you need to move to get things done and you have a child you need to feed so there is no time so sit around waiting for someone to drive you somewhere when you can do it on your own, insyaAllah, all will be safe. Craving for something? You have a choice here: is it the weekends? yes, by all means, tell your husband and he will get it for you ASAP. Is it a weekday? And it's only 10a.m.? Why wait until he gets home from work at 7p.m. when you can go out and get it yourself by 11? or better yet, make it yourself just the way you like it? ... Tired? Yes, you should rest, oh wait, you need to do laundry first. Oh then there's lunch, you can't let your little girl go hungry can you, oh and that goes for you, too, you need to eat and then later when your child takes a nap you can lie down next to her. Okay girl's napping and suddenly you remember there are some things you have to do. Vomiting like crazy? What are you doing here rubbing my back go away I don't want you to see me like this (slams the door to husband's face) can you please check on Dania where is she make sure she doesn't run near the stairs *gags some more*...

Yeah that's me. No, it's not the normal procedure, other mothers may have different experiences. It's just that, this is me this time around. hehehe. Don't get me wrong. I still receive a lot of help, too. There are also times when I was/am incapable of doing anything but lie down and watch my daughter play next to me. And such angel she is, there are times when she must have understood her mother is so much under the weather that no amount of tantrum can make me get up so rather than wasting her energy, she might as well sit down and enjoy combing Barbie's hair with mama watching. And my mother has been helping taking care of my daughter and done most all of the cooking. hehe. And husband has been getting the pleasure of having to rub my back in odd hours in the morning and whenever I feel like it. So it's not like suddenly you are having the second child and you immediately turn into a super independent woman. It's just that experiences will teach us more, and whip us into what we are today. And today, I masih mengada, just less mengada than I was back then.

And I bet the akak with 4 kids and being pregnant and having to send two to nurseries and fetch the other two to and from school and cook meals and go to the office and having NO maids because the previous one ran off with the contract worker next door and finish house chores would read this post and say.. "What, 1.5 kids???? she has NO IDEA!"...

Huh, not the updating and documenting of experiences that I first intended, as this post turns absolutely different from what I have in mind earlier. But that's the beauty of writing, isn't it, you have no idea of how it ends until you actually write the ending.

But at least I did manage to document a glimpse of how this time around, my experiences are different than what I had before.

And so far, though I have been neglecting to tell you this, I have been enjoying myself and feeling blessed and grateful for this given chance, Alhamdulillah.